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Last month I spoke about how to deal with your own ambivalence as the wounded partner. This month, I’d like to talk about what you should do if your partner is ambivalent towards the relationship.
Just in case you missed last month’s post; let me give you an idea of what ambivalence is. A lot of people think that being ambivalent means that a person doesn’t really care about something. It’s actually kind of the opposite in that a person dealing with ambivalence feels so strongly about two opposing views that they cancel each other out, leaving that person immobilized with indecision.
First, just let me say that this is possibly one of the most painful scenarios that a wounded partner can face besides the betrayal itself. Your partner, who betrayed you, doesn’t know if they want to stop the behavior that hurt you so much. They don’t know if they want to work on the relationship to help save it. They just can’t seem to decide. It seems like they’re betraying you all over again with this kind of attitude. Their ambivalence could be caused by a number of things. One particularly tricky issue that causes ambivalence in wounding partners that I tend to see quite often is addiction. Addiction to pornography or sex makes giving up behavior really hard for the wounding partner because they’re constantly being torn between needing their addiction and needing their relationship. For many addicts, the ambivalence suits them because it creates a scenario in which they can have their cake and eat it too, so to speak.
The wounded partner, on the other hand, may want to save the relationship and is likely going above and beyond to save it. Even though they’re the one who was wounded by their partner’s actions! This is beyond painful. If this is you, you may need help with deciding what to do about this predicament.
The bottom line is, unfortunately, you may want the relationship a lot more than they do at this point. It’s a hard reality, but it’s the truth in this scenario. This is where, as a coach, I have the unpleasant job of telling the wounded partner that the wounding partner needs some space to make up their mind. The simple reality is that, in any relationship, one partner can’t do all of the work for both. Relationships are all about give and take. In a healthy relationship, both partners are doing what it takes to make it work. One-sided relationships are damaging and typically cause a great amount of stress to be felt by the partner who is doing all of the giving. This can lead to both emotional and physical side effects such as depression, anxiety, stomach problems, and poor sleep habits.
You may be begging and pleading with them to come home to no avail. You may be crying in front of them in hopes to get them to understand only to be met with a complete lack of empathy. Although it’s tempting to chase your unfaithful partner down using these tactics, it’s seldom productive. It’s understandable that you might be doing this because of how you feel over being betrayed, but it won’t work with an ambivalent partner who has betrayed you. It only serves to create a situation in which you’re giving all of your power over to a person who isn’t making careful decisions when it comes to protecting your heart. This is very unsafe for you as the wounded partner because it could easily lead to a cycle of you chasing them for the remainder of your relationship.
If this is the game that’s being played between you and your unfaithful partner, even if it’s been going on for a long time, I’m asking you to consider changing the rules of the game.
A better, albeit more difficult, thing to do would be for you as the wounded partner to pull back. Instead of saying (with actions or words), “I need you! I’ll die without you!”, you should start saying things like “I don’t know if I can live with what you’ve done. But I’m willing to seek expert help and try if you are.” Start practicing acting like you’re even less sure you want the relationship than they are. Refuse to act in desperate ways. Refuse to give them all of that power.
This isn’t without risk. They could easily tell you that they don’t want to work on things and end the relationship. Since this is a real possibility, you need to prepare yourself and do the work it takes to be okay with this scenario if it happens. However, when dealing with an ambivalent, unfaithful partner, it’s the only choice you might have if you want to remain empowered. And, I might add, it might just lead to them realizing what they’re about to lose and coming to their senses. But I can’t guarantee that, so again I’m asking you to carefully consider all of the possible outcomes. I will say that whatever the outcome, it will be a lot better for you in the long run if you take your power back and stop chasing someone who is mistreating you. It’s time to take care of yourself, even if they won’t.
