Intimacy Avoidance

INTIMACY AVOIDANCE

A Common Problem in Today’s Romantic Relationships

Although the idea of intimacy avoidance may be new to you, this problem is widespread. The symptoms are easily recognizable if your coach has been trained on what to look for. Here at Becoming Well, we call intimacy avoidance infidelity through withholding because the long-term effects of living with an intimacy avoidant are often similar to those we see in betrayed partners.

The term intimacy avoidance refers to a situation in which one partner is withholding themselves in multiple ways from their partner. Intimacy avoidance often goes unnoticed by the person withholding themselves yet can have lasting and devastating effects on their loved ones. This is different from the term Intimacy Anorexia©, coined by Dr. Doug Weiss, who defines it as the active and intentional withholding emotionally, physically, sexually, and/or spiritually from a partner for the purpose of creating distance. The main difference is that the intimacy anorexic knows what they’re doing and continues their behavior, and the intimacy avoidant may be unaware or only partially aware of how they are distancing themselves from their partner. Both conditions are classified as relationship disorders, and most often show up only in the marriage or primary romantic relationship of the intimacy avoidant or intimacy anorexic. Although intimacy avoidance and intimacy anorexia® can occur without addiction being present, it is important to note that a significant percentage of sexual addicts and their partners are also intimacy avoidants or intimacy anorexics.

SIGNS OF INTIMACY AVOIDANCE AND INTIMACY ANOREXIA®

It’s important that you and your partner seek the advice of a trained professional if intimacy avoidance is suspected. However, here are some signs and symptoms to look for

Can’t seem to commit fully to the relationship
Often holds the partner to impossible, unattainable standards
Is perfectionistic and/or feels unlovable when they aren’t perfect
Has a history of short-term relationships, unless the relationships were long-distance
Stays so busy with work and projects that they have little time to spend with their partner
Has little to no trust in you as a partner, even if you’ve earned it
When issues/arguments come up, the person’s first response is to put the blame back on their partner
Has little empathy
Plays the victim
Seems distant during sex or frequently avoids sex
Acts like listening to your feelings is a huge imposition and/or extremely taxing
Seems overly sensitive to criticism
Valid issues are dismissed with a “just get over it” attitude
Refrains from showing love to their partner in ways they know the partner needs or appreciates
Refuses to praise or compliment the partner
Refuses to attend church or participate in other spiritually-focused events with their partner, even though they are a spiritual person
Is unwilling or unable to share true feelings with their partner
Uses anger, disapproval, and/or silence in an attempt to control or punish their partner
Has ongoing or ungrounded criticism of their partner and verbalizes it or seems silently angry
A sexless marriage. Approximately 15% to 20% of couples are in sexless marriages- meaning they do not engage in any sexual activities with their partner. Although a sexless marriage does not always signify marital instability or unhappiness, it can be a symptom of living with an intimacy avoidant.