You Don’t Have to Re-Traumatize Yourself to Help Him Heal

September 8, 2022

So, you’re the loved one of a man who’s experienced trauma. You’re probably here because you want to help him.

But what should you do if you, yourself, have previously experienced trauma at the hands of a man? What if your loved one’s expression of his trauma makes you feel unsafe? You want him to heal, but listening to his story places a burden on you.

It’s okay if you can’t handle the details. To protect your own health while supporting him, here are some things you could say:

“Maybe I’m not the best person to share these details with. This is bringing up painful memories for me.”
“Although I can’t handle listening to this, it doesn’t mean I don’t care.”
“Can I help you find somebody to talk to?”

It takes bravery to say these things, but you’re protecting your health. If you feel unsafe and traumatized, you won’t be in a place where you can help him in his trauma. It’s no small thing to help him heal, even if you’re not the specific person he can share with.

I encourage you to speak up, if hearing about his trauma triggers trauma for you. Try using the phrases above to open conversation, or a statement of your own. Start the journey to full wellness and wholeness with Becoming Well’s couple-based recovery coaching designed to help you navigate intimacy problems and relational trauma.

What can you say to communicate your needs while supporting his?

By Matt Burton