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Welcome to a 2-part series on ambivalence. For this first part, I wanted to talk about dealing with your own ambivalence as a wounded partner.
First, what is ambivalence? Many people think that the word describes a situation in which a person really doesn’t care about something. However, this isn’t an accurate definition. What ambivalence means is that a person cares as much about one set of information as much as they do about the opposite set of information, and this creates a zero-sum game.
When a wounded partner is ambivalent, it often shows up in whether or not they want to stay in a relationship where they’ve been betrayed. On the one hand, you may want your relationship to work but are thinking, “but my partner hurt me, betrayed me, and broke all of their promises.” On the other hand, you instinctively know that the relationship won’t work if you don’t somehow find a way to forgive and trust your partner again. Another scenario that has to do with ambivalence is when, one minute, the wounded partner wants to be comforted by the person who hurts them and the next minute they’re saying, “You hurt me. I hate you. Get away from me!” In either case, the wounded partner is torn and it’s agonizing.
Wounded partners often get stuck in ambivalence. You would think that they wouldn’t want to be stuck there, but ambivalence can actually be appealing because it feels safer than the other two alternatives they may be facing. They’re stuck between a rock and a hard place because to go one way or the other causes an equal amount of pain. For example, moving forward with divorce or separation causes extreme pain because of the losses a wounded partner is facing. But trying to forgive and reconcile can be equally painful because of the agony they feel when they have to be in contact with the partner that betrayed them every day. Vacillating between those two decisions could actually feel like safety because the wounded partner doesn’t have to face a tough decision. Moving forward one way or the other could feel scary. Kind of like operating without a safety net. It feels much safer to go back and forth between two opposing thoughts and remain ambivalent.
The bad news is that you’re going to have to make a decision one way or the other if you don’t want to stay stuck. If you’re considering getting off of the fence, there are a couple of things I would say to you.
Facing the fears that have led to your ambivalence is best taken in small doses. You could start by making 2 lists. One would be for all of the things that would happen if you stayed, and another would be for all of the things that would happen if you left. You could even divide this into a pro’s and con’s list if that suits you.
The other way to deal with your fears is to start journaling your feelings especially if they are fearful ones. Giving a voice to your fears around moving out of ambivalence can help you analyze whether or not you want to stay fearful around those things or even help you understand whether or not what you fear is actually true. Processing those out loud with a trusted friend, counselor, or coach can help you put your head around the issues so you can decide what your next move should be. The way out of ambivalence is to make a decision and stick with it.
