Disclosure Series Part I: Discovery vs. Disclosure

August 11, 2022

Next to ending an affair or stopping the infidelity-related behavior, how couples handle the disclosure process is probably the most important determining factor of whether the relationship can recover. If the disclosure process is riddled with shaming, deception, and a lack of empathy, there’s a high likelihood of reinjury to the relationship as well as to the individuals involved.

The goal of disclosure is to get all of the information regarding any infidelity-related behavior out in the open. Full disclosure must happen if reconciliation is to become possible. When there are secrets and lies between people, disconnection and mistrust will likely control the relationship.

One very important variable during full disclosure is the depth and detail of what the wounded partner wants to know. If the wounded partner doesn’t want to know certain information, then what is not known by choice wouldn’t be considered a secret or a lie. It is important to note that the disclosure process should be driven by what the wounded partner wants to know. However, the wounding partner should not withhold information just because they were not asked exactly the right question. The goal of disclosure on the wounding partner’s part should be completely honest and transparent in an effort to help mend the injuries caused by their infidelity-related behavior.

When our partners purposely withhold information from us, it is a second betrayal. Not only have they engaged in infidelity-related behavior; now they are deciding what we do and do not get to know about said behavior. We should be the ones to decide what details we need to hear as we attempt to move towards reconciliation. If we are being asked to forgive and move forward, we are going to have an extremely hard time doing that if we don’t know what we are being asked to forgive. Asking a wounded partner to move on while withholding the facts is not only unfair and uncompassionate, but it is also profoundly disrespectful.

Disclosure vs Discovery

I would like to briefly talk about the difference between disclosure and discovery and what typically results from both.

True disclosure is a process in which the wounding partner prepares a statement of events surrounding infidelity-related behavior and discloses them to their partner. This process is usually facilitated by a trained professional and is a contained event where all of the necessary information is relayed completely and with compassion. For disclosure to happen and be an effective and sincere means of coming clean, the infidelity-related behavior must cease. Only when the behavior has ceased will disclosure provide a starting point from which the couple can begin to reconcile. Although disclosure can provide a way for the relationship to move forward, it is still an extremely painful event in the wounded partner’s life and can negatively impact attachment as well as trust for this partner. However, one of the main benefits of disclosure is that it demonstrates regret and remorse on the part of the wounding partner and shows that they are sorry for their actions and are willing to do what it takes to repair the resulting damage. It also shows that the wounding partner is willing to commit to honesty and transparency in the future, which are crucial components to rebuilding trust. Although disclosure causes injury to the wounded partner, that injury is more like a surgical cut that can heal properly. Conversely, discovery and dribbling disclosure causes a jagged wound that will re-injure the wounded partner time and again.

Discovery is entirely different from disclosure. It’s usually an unplanned event that is not supported by a trained professional and is often marked with conflict, anger, and defensiveness. Discovery can look like the wounded partner finding evidence of an affair or addiction (text messages, phone calls, etc.) or an admission blurted out during an argument. Oftentimes, the wounding partner had no intention of telling their partner anything and, in many cases, is still conflicted about ending the affair or other infidelity-related behavior and/or protecting an addiction. Typically, what the wounded partner discovers doesn’t give them the full picture of what’s going on. Injuries to attachment are aggravated and feelings of distrust and betrayal are increased when this occurs. Oftentimes a period of weeks, months, or even years of digging for answers follows and “dribbling disclosure” becomes a serious threat to the survival of the relationship. As opposed to disclosure, the goal of both discovery and “dribbling disclosure” is for the wounding partner to protect themselves from the consequences of their actions by staggering or completely withholding information pertaining to the infidelity-related behavior.

Are you a wounding or wounded partner struggling with the effects of discovery or dribbling disclosure? Our Complete Disclosure Package can help. Visit our website to schedule a session.