Disclosure Series Part II: When You Get the Facts in Pieces

August 18, 2022

Welcome to Part II of my series on disclosure.

Dribbling Disclosure

As previously highlighted, the primary goal of disclosure is to get all of the information pertaining to infidelity-related behavior out in the open. The way in which this happens matters. The term “dribbling disclosure” describes a scenario in which infidelity-related details are staggered, or “dribbled”, out over time. At Becoming Well, we don’t advise dribbling out information over time or purposely withholding pertinent information from the wounded partner. I would like to note here that the damage to the wounded partner resulting from dribbling disclosure is similar to the damage caused by discovery, as described above. The reason for this can be found in how deception breaks trust.

To deceive someone means to cause them to believe something that is not true, usually for some self-interested reason. Honesty in a relationship goes far beyond simply not lying. Obviously, lies and betrayal break down trust. However, deception by telling half-truths, gaslighting, or minimizing breaks down trust even further. When someone withholds information from a person who has a right to know the truth, they deprive that person of being able to make informed decisions regarding their own life. This essentially robs them of personal choice.

When the wounding partner purposely withholds information or tells partial truths, they engage in deception. Typically, the reason for this deception is that they are worried that the relationship will end if they tell their partner the truth. Although this is certainly understandable, it is ill-advised. What usually ends up happening is one of the following scenarios:

The wounding partner feels guilty about withholding information and ends up telling the truth in parts over time.
The wounded partner senses that they don’t have the full truth and continues to press their spouse/partner to learn the details. The pressure for the wounding partner builds, and they end up reluctantly disclosing the hidden information.

If either scenario happens, we have entered into what I would refer to as “dribbling disclosure”. This results in the wounded partner being subjected to repeated trauma. This is profoundly damaging for three main reasons:

Each new discovery restarts the grieving process. When infidelity is discovered or disclosed, the losses felt are immediate. This initiates the grieving process over what has been lost. When multiple disclosures happen, this compounds the grieving process because each instance of new information creates additional losses that will have to be grieved. One of the biggest losses resulting from multiple discoveries or disclosures is the loss of the ability to believe our partner can be honest and transparent.
Each new discovery creates a new injury or compounds a pre-existing one. The discovery or disclosure of infidelity is traumatic to wounded partners. Emotional trauma creates injury to the psyche of the person experiencing it and will result in challenges to their ability to function and cope as they once did. Pre-existing injuries are often made worse when new injuries to the same area happen. This holds true for both physical and emotional injuries. Furthermore, multiple disclosures create multiple injuries which inevitably makes it much harder for the wounded partner to heal overall.
Each new discovery further erodes an already-fragile trust. Most wounded partners tell me that, as hard as it is to forgive infidelity, it’s even harder to forgive the deception surrounding the infidelity. The fact that a person had a secret life that we knew nothing about can be a hard thing to get over. It’s even harder to get over when someone keeps lying. After a while, we can begin to wonder if our partner is even capable of telling the truth. This can seriously affect our willingness to move forward with the relationship. Additionally, when our partner repeatedly lies to us, they send us the message that they are more interested in protecting themselves than they are in caring for our broken heart.

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