Emotional Infidelity

What is Emotional Infidelity?

Emotional Infidelity can be defined as a situation in which a person shares an intimate, emotional connection with someone other than their partner. It is different than a platonic friendship in that it usually involves some sort of romantic or sexual tension. It also involves focusing the emotional energy that should belong to a partner on someone else.

The Difference Between Emotional and Physical Infidelity

The main difference between physical and emotional infidelity is sexual contact. With physical infidelity, the parties involved often meet face-to-face and have sex. Also included in physical infidelity can be scenarios in which two people use their computers and phones in order to engage in activities that are sexually gratifying. With emotional infidelity, there is often a meeting of the parties involved but the purpose is to connect emotionally without engaging in sex. This is not to say that flirting, innuendos, and even promises aren’t often exchanged.

Examples of Emotional Infidelity

In high school, Emily used to date Steve. She hasn’t talked with him in years but has thought about him from time to time. One day, she decides to look him up on Facebook and send him a friend request. Steve accepts the request and the two start chatting; reminiscing about days gone by and exchanging information they know about the state of their former classmates’ lives. Eventually, the conversations start to turn toward problems the two of them are having in their committed relationships. The two become a major source of emotional support for one another and soon find that they are constantly turning to each other for support when they have relationship issues instead of working things out with their partners. Sometimes Steve even makes comments to Emily about how his life would’ve turned out better if he had married her instead of his wife. Emily begins to feel that Steve would be a much better option than her long-time boyfriend. They both begin to long for the “good old days” when they were together as a couple.

Jackson and Lisa have been married for 22 years. Lately, Jackson has been feeling a bit bored in the relationship and with his life in general. His unattached co-worker, Janice, seems to live a life of excitement and adventure and he admires this about her. He strikes up a conversation with her one day at work and discovers that the two of them have much in common. Soon, she invites him to join her in activities such as hiking, ziplining, and kayaking. He lies and tells his wife that he’s going out with a male buddy from work when he’s really going to do things with Janice. He finds that he is starting to spend most of his free time with Janice and, when they aren’t spending time together, he’s thinking about her. He finds her attractive and secretly wishes that his wife, Lisa, could be more like Janice. This causes him to become increasingly critical of his wife and he starts to feel trapped in the marriage.

The Effects of Emotional Infidelity

Many people argue that a deep, emotional attachment to someone other than their partner can’t cause the same harm as physical infidelity, but nothing could be further from the truth. Emotional infidelity can cause distance between a person and their partner that results in dissatisfaction in the relationship as well as damaged trust. This can ultimately lead to the erosion of the relationship altogether. Many people who have experienced emotional infidelity will tell you that it was even more painful than physical infidelity because of the feelings their partner had for the other person. Additionally, many partners are gaslighted and told that they are crazy for being jealous when they know deep inside that there is something more there. (Gaslighting is a form of covert emotional abuse in which a person is intentionally misled by another person who presents a false narrative that requires that they question their own perception of reality.) Over time, victims of gaslighting can develop problems such as anxiety, depression, isolation, and even psychological trauma.

Signs of Emotional Infidelity

There are many signs that you or your partner may be overly emotionally attached to someone else. Here are some of them:

Consistently turning to the other person instead of to your partner for emotional support and/or connection
Inappropriate sharing of intimate details and/or sharing dissatisfaction with your current relationship
Unfavorably comparing your partner to the other person
Feeling the need to hide the relationship from your partner
Contacting the other person with increasing frequency
Sharing “news” with the other person instead of with your partner
Frequently or even constantly thinking about the other person
Feeling that the other person “gets” you more than your partner does
Spending more and more time with the other person while spending less time with your partner
Feeling attracted to the other person and/or knowing the other person is attracted to you, yet still not ending the relationship
Becoming physically aroused when around the other person
Feeling increasingly distant from your partner
Engaging in fewer meaningful conversations with your partner
Wishing your partner could be more like the other person