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You love and trust your partner. You thought everything was fine and then you found out you had been betrayed. Perhaps your partner told you themselves. Maybe you stumbled upon a pile of inappropriate text messages or inappropriate emails. You are in shock and the pain feels completely unbearable. What do you do now?
You may have told yourself you knew what you would do if your partner ever cheated. You may have thought you would kick them to the curb and never look back. However, now that you’re facing the reality of infidelity, things might seem different to you, and it may not seem so cut and dry. This is especially true for wounded partners in long-term relationships. You’ve built an entire life with this person…you may have kids with them. It’s not so easy to abandon all of your hopes and dreams because of their infidelity.
Although getting past the pain of infidelity will likely be one of the hardest things you’ll ever do, it can be done. I have personally seen many couples get past it and even have stronger relationships because of it. However, if this is to be your story too, there are some key things that need to happen.
First, your partner’s response to the infidelity matters. Did they express remorse? Were they willing to be truthful and transparent with you moving forward? Did they engage in their own recovery? Were they willing to do whatever it took to repair the damage they had done? All of these things matter because if an unfaithful partner isn’t truly willing to change, then they may not actually be sorry. You could be in for more trouble ahead.
Your partner’s response is only part of the equation, though. You have your own healing to do, and it isn’t always going to be a cakewalk. It helps to know what you can expect on your journey and how to move forward through the pain to find hope in the day-to-day. You need to make sure that you are able to function in a healthy way, despite how your relationship turns out. This means taking responsibility for your own recovery.
First, you need to take time to grieve. Although it’s tempting to try and look on the bright side, you will be doing yourself a disservice if you don’t set aside time to contemplate your losses. You must feel your feelings-all of them. You may want to journal or talk with a trained coach or counselor. Grief comes in waves and can be very heavy at times. To combat this, try to do at least one nurturing thing for yourself per day. More if you can.
There are few things that can attack a woman’s self-worth and confidence like infidelity. Those are sure to take a hit once you have discovered what has happened. Take the time to invest in yourself. Exercise can be a life saver. A massage or pedicure can help you feel cared for. Reading self-help books, watching videos, or listening to podcasts can increase your knowledge. If you invest in yourself, you’ll not only start finding some peace in the day-to-day, but you’ll also be stronger and more able to fight for your relationship. Even if the relationship doesn’t make it, you are still worth every second that you spend on yourself. Don’t let someone else’s lack of care affect how you care for you.
One last thing I will say is that, after getting all of the facts around the infidelity and having sufficient, open talks with your partner, try not to fixate on what your partner is doing. Also, try to limit the conversations to certain days and certain times. In my experience, conversations that go on and on or ones that are happening constantly do very little to resolve anything and can further damage the relationship because there won’t be any breathing room where the bonds that were shattered can begin to mend. Also, it will rob you of your peace and make it hard for you to find those crucial moments of not having to be consumed by what has happened.
