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Therapists and sociologists have found that even the most discreet infidelity-related behavior can have a profound impact on children. Just because they don’t know the details doesn’t mean that they don’t pick up on emotional cues. Subtle changes in the unfaithful partner’s behavior frequently unsettle children, causing them to become anxious, frightened, and even feel rejected. These feelings can become amplified as tension builds between mom and dad.
How does this affect motherhood? Well, as any mother knows, it’s not easy to parent an anxious or frightened child or, for that matter, one who feels rejected. Depending on the age of the child, fear and anxiety can cause tantrums, withdrawal, angry outbursts, and a refusal to engage socially. A young child that feels rejected may become very clingy. An older one may withdraw, lash out verbally, or engage in risky behavior to try and cope.
All of this on a mother that already feels the burden herself. When infidelity is discovered, it traumatizes a woman and shakes her entire reality. Even if she doesn’t know for sure that she’s been betrayed, she will probably sense that something is wrong, and this will cause her stress. If this woman is a mother, the fact that she likely feels short-tempered, emotionally exhausted, and even physically ill makes it hard to be the mother she knows she is capable of being. The mother before the infidelity happened or before the suspicion set in. She may feel bad about this and beat herself up. Or she may try to compensate for her partner’s withdrawal from the family by indulging the children. This can lead to further chaos as children grow stressed when they sense a lack of boundaries.
We can’t forget the real trauma that’s created for a wounded partner when infidelity takes place. Life as she knew it ends as the bottom falls out. Short term effects of trauma include confusion, anxiety, agitation, numbness, and hyperarousal. Longer-term effects can rival PTSD symptoms with continuous, unrelenting distress, intrusive thoughts and flashbacks, sleep issues, and depression. All of this can make it difficult to cope. Being a good mother, she may take all of her remaining energy and put it towards her children. Though this is commendable, she may lose herself in the process or fail to have the energy to do what is necessary to heal herself. Grieving properly often means expressing feelings like sadness or even rage. This type of expression often takes a backseat to caring for children, especially if the unfaithful partner is disengaged. While the disengaged unfaithful partner is off expending energy outside of the family, the wounded partner is often left working overtime to try and hold things together.
Many of the wounded partners that I help on a daily basis are incredible moms who are at a loss as to what to do with their feelings while raising children. It’s important that I help them find a balance between home life and caring for themselves.
